Why I have not seen '10,000 B.C.'

I understand that 10,000 B.C., the kinda-sorta prehistoric epic directed by blockbuster past-master Roland Emmerich, is this weekend's big, I dunno, blockbuster or tentpole or whatever kind of picture it is, and thus, as the chief film critic of the humble but proud website of which this blog is a proud appendage, I ought to be covering it. But I am not. I have delegated the task to ace freelancer Ryan "Jackie" Stewart, who I think did a bangup job with it; still, I perhaps ought to account for the fact that not only am I not reviewing the film, but I am quite unlikely to see it until it comes out on DVD.

Believe it or not, it's nothing to do with film snobbery. It's more to do with the fact that I'm brain-damaged.

Lemme lay it out for ya.

Back when My Lovely Wife and I just started dating, she told me an intriguing tale of a former cohort of hers who, whenever an animal or a group of animals would appear on a movie or television screen, would exclaim, "Look at the puppies," pronounced, as recounted to me, "Lookatdapuppies" in a kind of hushed, awed, low voice.

As I said, this cohort would pronounce this no matter what genus or species or what have you of animal was on display,e.g., "Lookatdapuppies" was uttered at a shot depicting a group of cows on a lea in Ang Lee's Sense and Sensibility.

I thought this story was hilarious, and had My Lovely Wife known me better at the time she told it, she never would have, for, as someone who enjoys more than any other joke the joke that drives everyone else batty, I immediately adopted "Lookatdapuppies" as a kind of catchphrase, employing it under the same circumstances as My Lovely Wife's one-time cohort.

In addition, because of a dual devotion to Mystery Science Theater 3000's Crow T. Robot and my dear departed feline Pinky, I have this habit of exclaiming "Kitty!!!" every time a feline of any sort appears on a screen. There was some footage of baby tigers running on the displays at TeKServe, where I hadda take my g-ddamn desktop Mac to be fixed yet again this morning, and I must have looked like a crazy person, what with rather enthusiastic reactions.

And, finally, between the "Lookatdapuppies"s and "Kitty"s, any prolonged exposure to beasts on a screen makes me go "whuzzzaggooogoowhuzzag" ad infinitum. So between the packs of mastadons and the sabre-toothed tigers populating the kinda-sorta prehistoric world of 10,000 B.C., any screening I might have attended would have seen me sitting by, I dunno, A.O. Scott, Leah Rozen, Harlan Jacobson, David Fear, name your favorite prominent film critic here, and jabbering "Kitty!!! Lookatdapuppies!!! Whuzzagoogagoogoo!" over and over again. And that just wouldn't do.

Can't wait for the DVD...

Comments

[Ian W. Hill]

Aw, man.

I already shared the "Kitty!!!" habit with you thanks to Crow and my own wonderful felines, and you had to pass on this new one?

"Lookatdapuppies" will now continue in my home with my fiancee and I. Hope you're happy.

[crazysummerswithbrigitte]

Monsieur K, as you know, I am trying to learn English via your website. Would you please look up the dictionary meaning of "cohort"? Then explain to my mother (Mme. Crazysummers) why I now count my hair by the fistful, not the strand.

[Rick Lopez]

Oh my God.

I feel so enabled now! So... UNalone!

Thank you Glenn. You are a *good* man.

But I would have to beat your ass if you interrupted my "in there" reverie in a theatre. I mean, at the movies I say these kinds of things to myself, as interior asides, necessarily. I only say them aloud when I'm at home alone, or when my wife is in a forgiving mood.

When I saw the header I actually thought you were going to talk about :

--O! CDPuppies!

--L, MRNOPuppies...

--OSMR. CMPN?

Sorry.

[Glenn Kenny]

My concern is such that my deepest wish is to placate both you, crazysummers, and your maman, Mme. Crazysummers. Let me present this link:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cohort

and beyond that, the text to be found there:

"co·hort [koh-hawrt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a group or company: She has a cohort of admirers.
2. a companion or associate.
3. one of the ten divisions in an ancient Roman legion, numbering from 300 to 600 soldiers.
4. any group of soldiers or warriors.
5. an accomplice; abettor: He got off with probation, but his cohorts got ten years apiece.
6. a group of persons sharing a particular statistical or demographic characteristic: the cohort of all children born in 1980.
7. Biology. an individual in a population of the same species.
[Origin: 1475–85; < MF cohorte < L cohort- (s. of cohors) farmyard, armed force (orig. from a particular place or camp), cohort, retinue, equiv. to co- co- + hort- (akin to hortus garden); r. late ME cohors < L nom. sing.]

—Synonyms 2. friend, comrade, fellow, chum, pal, buddy.
—Usage note A cohort was originally one of the ten divisions of a legion in the Roman army, containing from 300 to 600 men. The most common use of cohort today is in the sense “group” or “company”: A cohort of hangers-on followed the singer down the corridor. In a development emphasizing the idea of companionship, cohort has also come to mean a single companion, associate, or the like: The senator strode into the room followed by his faithful cohort, his son-in-law.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006."

As you have no doubt inferred, I used the word in the sense of definition #2.

[oakling]

that sounds like a very enjoyable way to watch a movie!
why don't you go see it by yourself, far away from any madding critics?

[Ray]

I just saw "10,000 B.C." Without going into the slightly unsettling whiff of Aryanism hovering over it, and without dwelling on the absurd dialogue and preposterous character names (Tik-Tik? his name is actually Tik-Tik?), and without dwelling on the even more disturbing fact that I actually was quite entertained, my considered evaluation is as follows:

Lotsa puppies.

Not enough kitty.

[sara]

Oh my GOD. That's where that came from?!